monday.

this one is hard to write about. so as we have to do with most difficult things in life, i’ll just jump in.

most people in my life know that i was married for a while in my twenties. some of you know more about that than others, but the one thing i hope you all know that i just don’t really have anything negative to say about my exhusband. we shouldn’t have gotten married when we did (though we didn’t know that then) and we both tried to give it our best. his tries were better than mine.

however, this is a short story of something that happened that must have been pivotal for me, because i always think of it as an example of how i felt failed by him. like the ground kind of fell out from under me that day.

we went to a movie and the group in front of us was loud and rowdy. i don’t expect a movie theater to be quiet and free from distractions, but these people were exceptionally uninterested in the movie or their surroundings. my husband was a non-confrontational guy, and the only way i knew how to handle things at the time was through passive aggression. so i kicked their seats and exchanged dirty looks with them for it.

after the movie, my husband and i held hands as we walked to the car. the group saw us and yelled, calling me a bitch. my husband kept his eyes ahead and held tighter on my hand, telling me to ignore them. i wanted him to get angry on my behalf and defend me. he was a big guy. i wanted him to go over and scare them. i understand why he didn’t, but i felt betrayed that day. i felt alone with the person i shouldn’t have felt alone with.

years later, driving a semitruck by myself, i eventually learned how to defend myself to aggressive men. but honestly, i still want a guy who will get offended and do something about it when he’s there.

One thought on “monday.

  1. Bethany B. says:

    This one cuts close to the bone. (That feeling of when someone isn’t what you wanted them to be, and you’re not entirely sure if you’re right to be disappointed . . . but you still are. Gah!) You’ve captured so much honesty in such a short scene.

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