i knew before the start that 2025 would not be kind. what i didn’t know was that i would underestimate it as much as i did.
i don’t always do year-end reflections, but this year has compelled me to. it pushed me; stretched and strained me in ways i didn’t see coming. but my mind has expanded a lot and clarity feels close. changes are coming for me, though i don’t yet know what those changes will look like. i’m sure i’ll be writing about it this time next year.
this year, i lost, grieved, and fought. and now, on the final ordinary day we happen to call the end of this year and the doorstep of the next, i have some thoughts– things i learned, and things I’ve been circling for longer than this year that finally *clicked.*
in no particular order, here are the notes i’ve been jotting down as 2025 comes to an end:
clothing sizes truly do not mean anything about you.
the stuff in my closet ranges from small to extra large, and all of it fits. one day i’ll wear size 8 jeans (that almost make me wish i’d gotten a 10) with a size small sweater; the next, size 4 pants (that are loose!) with an XL pullover. often purchased from the same store, same brand, same day. if i bought the “same size” in everything, most of it would be way too big/small! just buy what fits regardless of what the tag says and don’t take it to heart.
we are the worst parts of ourselves.
our good does not cancel out the harm we cause. if you don’t like who you are at your worst, work to fix the root of it– not just the behavior. trying to modify behavior merely makes us better performers and quieter liars, especially to ourselves. if you want to change how you react, you have to change how you think, believe, and feel. anything less is cosmetic; the underlying ugliness will still show up and surprise everyone, even you, with the right (wrong) conditions.
dripless taper candles are a tragedy.
who decided candles shouldn’t drip anymore? where is the romance? why do i have to hunt for ones that don’t self destruct their own memories? millennials, we must cancel these.
we don’t need an opinion on everything.
there is too much happening, and too much of it is bad. it’s important to know and care, but be selective about what conversations you join. notice when you start speaking on things you’ve never spoken on before and ask yourself why. is it growth in alignment with your values, or is it a self-soothing urge to feel included or sound informed? did you educate yourself before you spoke by listening to people with more knowledge? who benefits from your contribution? who might it harm? what bad thing will happen if you don’t offer your two cents about it?
you probably can do what you want.
this is the single most important realization i had this year. it requires an extremely high tolerance for uncertainty and being wildly uncomfortable, not having a clear plan, and trusting that the right next steps will unfold in time. it takes sowing the right seeds over long periods of time by living genuinely even when it feels cringe, sowing the seeds you want to see grow (while simultaneously remembering they won’t all take root), and investing in yourself and your community.
any camera that isn’t your phone is the “big camera.”
i say this as a freelance photographer. it’s just cute. please do it.
you can start late, take good naps, and still get everything done.
productivity is not running at full capacity all the time. even operations research agrees: 100% utilization is inefficient and unsustainable. work at your best operating level, not your theoretical maximum.
related: do it comfy.
you don’t have to “look” like you’re working to be working. lately, i’ve been getting the most done when i’m in my pajamas too late in the day or too early at night. with the tv on for a soothing background. if telling yourself that you have to shower first, be dressed a certain way, have shoes on, or sit in a certain place is preventing you from doing the thing— it’s prohibitive and ineffective. reevaluate your workflow. do it the way you’ll actually get it done, not the way you think you’re “supposed to” get it done. create the environment that serves you. meet your mind where it is. throw other people’s rules out and find the methods and operating systems that facilitate you accomplishing what you need to accomplish.
keep showing up.
even if it feels a little embarrassing because you’re not sure if you’re offering your best work. this is a lesson i remind myself of over and over with my photography. i’m not the best out there. but my work is notably better than it was when i started. it won’t improve and you won’t grow if you don’t keep doing it– and letting others see your progress.
define forgiveness before you offer it.
family and friends put a lot of pressure on us to forgive a member of the family/friend group when they’ve done something wrong. the concept of forgiveness is commonly just an expectation of silence and avoidance. forgetting (“forgive and forget!”). moving on without conversation and honesty. it often looks like zero or only partial acknowledgment of what was done and how it affected us. is not forgiving considered a worse sin than what they did? think about that before deciding what “forgiving” means for you in practice.
fiery skull diaries 