one week.

i got home a week ago today. cleared out my truck. turned it back in to the company.

i’ve spent the last week cleaning, organizing, and implementing my truck stuff into the house stuff. i went on a long walk yesterday. i got on the stationary bike today. i’ve been making my meals and showering as often as i want!

it’s not the being home longer than 4-5 days or even not being in possession of a truck that is different for me about this time off. this feels different because i don’t know when i’ll go back. i don’t know if i’ll go back. i hope i won’t need to go back. there’s an intention to this time “off.”

henry does well on a truck, but he is happy to be home where he has room to run.

i dyed my hair blue. it was supposed to be purple. i don’t know why it went blue and i learned that i don’t know how to put dye in my own hair and should never do it alone again. i have absolutely no regrets, however.

not mine. found on my walk yesterday. i adore it.

lots of tea. lots of pajamas. lots of henry snuggles.

home.

i came home this week. i did it. i cleaned out my truck and turned it back in to the company. there are a lot of unknowns now, and i don’t like that. but now i have the time and energy to actively focus on solving those unknowns.

more soon.

-vanessa

.

hi.

i’ve been pretty low this week, with a steep drop off yesterday. why do i drive a truck for a living? no, why do i STILL drive a truck for a living? what am i doing with my life? why do i feel so stuck? why am i in reality so stuck? where do i see myself in three years (when i turn 40)?

i feel very isolated. i AM physically isolated, in the truck, on the road. the nature of the job is drive, sleep, repeat. the absolute most i ever know how far in advance i’ll be is four days ahead, but i often don’t know where i’ll be tomorrow. or even later the same day. that’s just the nature of the job and how trips are assigned (a “trip” is the journey between shipper to consignee, usually). it’s adventurous. as it pertains to the job and my day-to-day life on the road, it doesn’t bother me. but it makes me feel more isolated from people because they don’t understand that that’s the way it works.

i’m tired. i want to quit this. i want to go home. i want to go hit the slopes, learn to snowboard. i want to throw myself into the next stage of my life. this was only ever supposed to be a bridge. i wasn’t supposed to get good at it. comfortable in it. six years in it. stuck.