lies: a poem.

there is so much you don’t know that i can’t tell you; that nobody can teach you.
you lived your life so safe. you hurt yourself protecting yourself.
i lived loudly, chasing the mirage of what i wanted,
believing it was really there.
believe, and god is real.
believe, and tinkerbell lives.
believe in your dreams and they’ll come true.
believe in yourself and you can do what can’t be done.
i believed in things that weren’t real, so i lived in a fairytale; i lived in a nightmare.
your heart can’t speak to mine
because it doesn’t know my language.

one week.

i got home a week ago today. cleared out my truck. turned it back in to the company.

i’ve spent the last week cleaning, organizing, and implementing my truck stuff into the house stuff. i went on a long walk yesterday. i got on the stationary bike today. i’ve been making my meals and showering as often as i want!

it’s not the being home longer than 4-5 days or even not being in possession of a truck that is different for me about this time off. this feels different because i don’t know when i’ll go back. i don’t know if i’ll go back. i hope i won’t need to go back. there’s an intention to this time “off.”

henry does well on a truck, but he is happy to be home where he has room to run.

i dyed my hair blue. it was supposed to be purple. i don’t know why it went blue and i learned that i don’t know how to put dye in my own hair and should never do it alone again. i have absolutely no regrets, however.

not mine. found on my walk yesterday. i adore it.

lots of tea. lots of pajamas. lots of henry snuggles.

home.

i came home this week. i did it. i cleaned out my truck and turned it back in to the company. there are a lot of unknowns now, and i don’t like that. but now i have the time and energy to actively focus on solving those unknowns.

more soon.

-vanessa